Two Minutes About: Forgiveness
- Posted on August 22, 2012
- in Two Minute Talks
- by admin
We know that the world is not fair. Some people may have been injured by growing up in an alcoholic family, or by having a partner who is unfaithful, or by not getting an opportunity to succeed at a career. When people live full lives, they are just bound to get psychologically injured in some way. But some persons stay preoccupied about these injuries. They spend too much energy on this hurt and find themselves detracted from everyday activities because their minds take them back to the painful event. They can direct their upset and anger onto other relationships. All this can result in lifelong patterns of illness and unhappiness. The angry preoccupation and the sad obsessing with the injury just extend the victimization. It is a form of self-bullying. Maintaining a grudge is like preparing a poison for someone else and taking it ourselves. People, who have been victimized, need to accept the reality of the injury and find ways to move on positively.
One of the ways available is forgiveness, an approach championed by Robert Enright, PhD and research colleagues at the International Forgiveness Institute. It is important to remember that forgiveness is not about excusing the offender from suffering consequences or being justly punished. Forgiveness in this context is not about excusing or even letting offenders know that they are forgiven and does not necessarily mean reconciliation. Forgiveness is a brave decision. It is a gift to oneself to let go of harmful preoccupation and move on with a healthy life. By not forgiving, a person may be choosing to give power to the hurt feelings.
But advocating for forgiveness without finding practical means for its achievement is futile. So here are some steps that many have found helpful.
- Forgiveness begins by describing the original hurtful event and how it continues to be a source of pain today. This could include speculating about the unfair contrasts about how the injurer’s life may have even continued to be relatively fine while the injured parson’s life has not. It can also be helpful for the injured to ask “What would I like to say to the offender that is still in my mind and heart today?”
- The offended person recognizes the negative emotions: hurt, sorrow, anger, sadness, and desire to retaliate.
- The offended person speculates about what may have been going on in the offender’s life that could explain what happened. There is a reframing of important aspects of the harmful situation. This includes the offender’s possible motivation and personal history, e.g., financial pressures, job problems, health issues, childhood traumas, low self-esteem, and so on. This certainly is made easier if the offender is known to be repentant.
- The offender chooses to forgive, decides to work on letting go, may develop a personal closing ceremony such as writing a letter of self-encouragement about letting go through forgiveness, and then gradually experiences positive change in cognition and emotions
- The offender may attempt reconciliation
One of the first indicators that a person is healing is that there is a movement toward more neutral thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward the offender. This decrease in negative thoughts and feelings toward the injurer is not necessarily replaced by positives. In the beginning of forgiving, the injured person does not have to wish the injurer well. Injured persons cannot force themselves to feel positively toward the injurer. Those feelings, if meant to be, can develop gradually with time and patience. Another sign that a person is healing by forgiveness is that such persons find themselves thinking less and less about the injury. Remember, forgiveness is about letting go. Complete healing will take time and a bit of anger and resentment can still remain. That after all is just being realistic. When efforts to forgive are failing, it may mean that that the person may just not want it to happen yet. Some people may think they have forgiven someone but they haven’t actually because they rushed through it and they did not feel better. Forgiveness is a lengthy process that involves work and some discomfort. Remember that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves.
“There is no future without forgiveness” Archbishop Desmond Tutu (1999)